It just occured to me that Sadam would probably have happily sold Iraq to the US for .5% of the money it's cost them so far. If they'd invested another, say, 1.5% of that money in a combination of advertising and social programs in Iraq, they might even have gotten some hearts and minds on their side.

It would still probably have been a poor investment, but less people would have died.

Today I will be taking on the various denizens of the supernatural world that threaten our very existence as a species. Or, you know, would if they existed. Whatever. I'm not too proud to rate things that probably don't exist. Hell, I rated hippos, and I'm not 100% convinced they're not actually robots.

Vampires
Blood sucking fiends, vampires have a vast array of supernatural powers with which to overwhelm their opponents. On the other hand, they also have a nearly as vast array of weaknesses. Now, some of their weaknesses are pretty acceptable. They can be killed by decapitation or a stake through the heart, but I can't really mock them for that, since those things also kill me. On the other hand, they are unable to look at crosses, cross running water, cross a threshold uninvited.... Oh, and the sun kills them, so they're vulnerable to being outdoors about 50% of the time. Oh, and lets not forget garlic. Seriously, it's quite possible that vampires did exist, but went insane trying to keep track of all their vulnerabilities after half their numbers were wiped out in the great meatloaf fiasco. All in all, vampires just aren't that scary. Plus seriously, vampires would be a lot cooler if they just completely banned women from writing books about them. 6/18.

Demons
Demons are the rockstars of the world of darkness. Well, I guess technically Marilyn Manson is the rockstar of the world of darkness, but compared to demons he's The Partridge Family. These things have a wide and often disgusting range of powers, from possessing people to taking on corporeal form and eating them. As for weaknesses, they're just plain unreliable. Sure, a cross might repel a demon, or it might cause the demon to laugh mockingly and make a long, gothy speech that makes you wish you were dead before it, well, grants your wish. The fundamental flaw with demons is that they are kind of a big giveaway. I mean, if a ravening demon is about to eat you, that pretty much answers the whole religion question. As long as you repent before it can finish killing you, the demon has pretty much given you a free ticket up to heaven. All in all, being attacked by a demon would have so many fascinating philosophical implications that it might be worth it. You know, unless it's one of those sneaky, subtle demons that acts primarily through human dupes. That would just be unpleasant. 18/22.

Dinosaurs
I'm pretty sure these are fictional creatures invented by cavemen to terrify children into unquestioning obedience. Later years brought superior child-scaring devices, capable of fitting under beds and into closets, and thus more able to invade the childs world. I mean, after a while, children are going to start wondering how the dinosaur even knows how late they're up, but a monster that lives under your bed? Obviously it knows exactly when you're in bed. And it'd better not be later. Still, the dinosaur myth carries a sense of epic grandeur that is missing from other, smaller terrors of the night. Plus, I bet you could go down a t-rex's throat still alive, if you were quick and agile. Then you could punch your way out of it from the inside, and all your friends would be super-impressed. 197,000/200,000.

Cursed Dolls
At first, the cursed doll concept seems totally ridiculous, but that's because movies with cursed dolls are generally not available to anyone who actually owns dolls. I bet if you showed those movies to a child with a collection of similar dolls, the kid would find it pretty scary. I guess these dolls have superhuman strength to make up for their lack of leverage, since otherwise they wouldn't be very challenging in a fight. The problem with these dolls is that ultimately, they're just too destructible. I mean, they have all the weaknesses of a doll, except for mindlessness and total immobility. Admittedly, those are certainly a doll's biggest weaknesses, but most dolls are also vulnerable either to fire or crushing, neither of which is all that tough to arrange for a shin-high opponent. It would be kind of cool to capture some cursed dolls and make them run mazes and stuff. 3/75.

Somewhat confused, he puts the coconut in the lime. He is too exhausted to shake it all in even a single place, for it was not easy. The lime resisted mightily. As he recovers, he notices the smug expression of the coconut. It will soon fade, when it finds out where the watermelon is going.

That night, he is killed in his sleep by a gang of terrified grapes.

Why else did animals evolve if not so that human could have someone to look down upon. No matter how lame a human you are, at least you're not a platypus or a cockroach. I find that it enhances my enjoyment of these animals if I talk sass to them. Sure, they can't hear me... But that just goes to prove how dumb they are! Seriously, who doesn't speak English? Animals, that's who!

In any case, lets get to the ratings.

Dogs: Dogs are ubiquitous. They are often loud and annoying, and they don't smell too good either. With material like that, it's hard to keep the flow of sass in check. Dogs are also commonly referenced in music, movies, and fiction, allowing you to make sly pop-culture references while simultaneously delivering a withering put-down. Alternatively, you can go with classics like "You ain't nothing but a hound, dog!" D looks a lot like L, with one extra line added. And d is like l, only with a loop tacked on. I'm not sure the difference between dogs and logs is really that much. Certainly I've seen dogs sleeping far more often than I've seen them working. So, in conclusion, dogs are big, loud, smelly logs. 17/20.

Emus: Emus are absolutely the most evil members of the animal kingdom. Their eyes are beady and soulless, their growl disquieting in the extreme, and their appearance both ugly and strangely unsettling. They don't look so much like birds as like approximately bird-shaped demonic fiends. Luckily, emus are encountered exclusively in zoos, where they evolved from a pile of discarded trash. As a result, they are only ever encountered on the other side of bars, usually reinforced with a heavy metallic mesh to keep foolish children from putting their delicate fingers within reach of this beast's rending beak. As a result, you are free to stand around and sass-talk them non-stop while they stare and growl impotently at you. 17/18.

Maggots: The best thing about maggots is that maggot is itself an insult. Saying "You filthy maggot to a filthy maggot is both insulting and absolutely incontestable. The maggot is simply defenseless against your thrust, by virtue of being a maggot. It's like shooting fish in a barrel (I'll get to you soon enough, fish!) In fact, it's so easy that it's strangely unsatisfying. Plus, who wants to look at a maggot to insult it. It's almost insulting yourself to even take the time to insult a maggot. It implies that any more challenging target would be too tough to take on. What's wrong, buddy? Can't keep up with mushrooms in a battle of wits? (hint: Try calling them maggots!) Seriously, who has the time to insult a maggot? 17/41.

Goldfish: Having covered representatives of the first three groups of critter - beasts, birds, and bugs - it is now time to turn my attention to the last. Fish. Pisceans. The group that won't bloody alliterate. Goldfish are an improvement on rats in one important respect - we don't have to share space with them. The best thing about goldfish is feeding them to alligator garrs, who quickly make it apparent why goldfish have developed an evolutionary mechanism that drives them to hide in small plastic castles. Sure, you can insult a goldfish, but 6 seconds later it's forgotten you even exist. EVEN IF IT'S STILL LOOKING AT YOU. Goldfish come permanently affixed with a stupid expression, and yet it completely fails to betray the true depth of their mindlessness. A single goldfish will spread enough disease to wipe out your whole aquarium (except the alligator garrs, who are like fishy Hannibal Lector's, and totally not guys you'd talk sass to if they were able to climb out of the water.) In any case, goldfish are perfect targets for feelings of disdainful superiority, which is of course expressed perfectly by their 1 cubic foot of living space in the corner of a living room. Sure, it's worth it to take a few minutes out of your busy schedule to insult your goldfish, but it's never going to give the rush of persecuting an emu, or snapping off a witty rejoinder at that stupid dog that won't stop barking at you. 17/31.

Yes, I know they're called gars. I like garrs better. They just seem like pirates. Sue me.

Well, I figured it was time to blow out of the water any possibility that someone out there will think I'm cool, and how better to do that than by sharing my thoughts on the new D&D 4th edition. Now, I could do that in a straight forward way, but since this site is, in theory, about rating things, I figure what the hell? Why not go all out and rate all of the previous editions, along with the new one?

The answer, of course, is that I'm far too lazy for that. So, you're saved the bother of reading reviews of products that have been on the market for 9, 18, or ten bazillion years, depending on the edition in question, and I'm saved the effort of writing all that crap.

The fourth edition plays very differently to previous editions. D&D was always a power game. It was about dungeon crawls and magic items. Sure, there were adventures with real plots, but they were generally of one of two types - intricate and fiendish puzzles, and a genre that can be loosely labeled as attempted comedy. AD&D primarily served to demonstrate that the writers had picked up on this and endorsed it. It was more of the same. Subsequent editions have been attempts to re-balance the game somewhat, but ultimately they have all been power games as well. Magic users became less crap at low levels, fighters less crap at high levels, and thieves marginally less crap all round. Skills that had nothing to do with combat were added, in great abundance, and characters with amazing stats stopped getting free experience as a reward for already being better.

The new edition still doesn't really change that fundamental core. Instead, it fully embraces it in a way that AD&D never did, and for the first time, creates a power game that is well balanced. The fundamental problem with power games is that mages either suck or rule (mostly depending on whether fighters can cast spells or not,) any ability that doesn't relate to combat is expensive deadweight, and ultimately the player who is best at rolling dice will do everything and the rest of the party will watch him.

D&D 4th edition breaks the mould on power games. Sure, it cuts the skill list down to a dozen skills, but all of those skills are actually useful. Every ability available to characters is practical. It doesn't prevent you from making an interesting character, but it does make every class fundamentally equal. Different classes are good for different things, sure, but all of those things are valuable. Magic users are no longer limited to causing 1-4 points of damage to a single opponent over the course of the adventure, and then either going home or risking their life in hand to hand combat they are poorly equipped to handle. They also no longer die if exposed to a harsh breeze or poorly cooked casserole, thanks to revisions to the way hit points are handled.

At the same time, the abilities list for fighters is as long as the one for mages. That's right. Fighters do very different things to mages, but they have as many (and presumably as good) options for development. I created a wizard, and was surprised to find that my character made a substantial contribution in combat. He did this despite being completely unarmed. That's right, my first level wizard was able to make a substantial dent in the enemy's numbers using only his magic. Anyone who has played a D&D magic user in an earlier edition is now lifting his jaw in the wake of his response to that statement.

Other classes have things to offer, from the ability of paladins to force enemies to attack them or take damage (drawing them away from weaker characters) to the warlord, who excels in aiding his fellow party members. We don't have a thief, so I don't know how they stack up, but I imagine (from what I've seen) that they're comparable to the classes I have seen.

So, I give D&D 4th edition a well deserved 6/6 rating, and a golden star.

I like to be positive and upbeat, and one of the ways in which I accomplish this is to focus on all the really awful things that aren't happening to me, awful experiences that I am unlikely to suffer through. Because I'm a wonderful person, I'm going to share these things with you, to help you appreciate how truly blessed you are. True, You're probably never going to walk on the moon, or sleep with Jessica Alba, or own a private island, but at least it's equally unlikely that:

Your parents die horribly, because you masturbate: Well, you just had to touch your peepee, and now look what you did. That was a horrible, painful death they suffered, and it was all your fault, tosser! How can you stand to look in the mirror? What sort of sad, pathetic excuse for a human being are you? How could you do that to your poor, long suffering parents?  Seriously, this isn't the most painful or humiliating event I can conceive of, but it's pretty awful none the less. You lose your parents, its your fault they're gone, and you've probably ruined masturbation for yourself too. Way to go, loser!

You are abducted by hideous, terrifying aliens, who vivisect you over the course of months, while keeping you fully conscious: Ouch. Yeah, vivisection would suck enough without making it a long, slow process. Not only would it be agonizingly painful, but imagine having to watch it happen! To see every slow, deliberate motion as it happens, to watch your flesh and organs carved slowly away while you're completely helpless to do anything but scream and suffer. Scream, of course, with your head in a sound proof glass bubble that causes the screams to echo endlessly in your ears. Yeah, they're really not very nice aliens.

You are eaten alive by a huge swarm of amoebas: Munching away at you cell by cell, while you lie there helpless. The amoebas eat and then divide, growing in numbers even as your flesh begins to liquefy. At first it only itches, but then the amoebas reach your nerve endings, and it's like liquid fire flowing over your body. The pain goes on and on as your body is devoured, as they eat their way up the nerves, sucking the marrow from your bones, drinking up your blood, your vision fading as the pain expands to fill your entire existence, and finally, the cold mercy of death. It's a horrible thought, so it's pretty good to know it isn't likely to happen to me.

You get drunk, black out, and wake up in a monkey cage, naked and sore, covered in semen and surrounded by pointing children and outraged parents: Well, first of all, gross. And humiliating. And potentially dangerous, since the monkeys are probably still around. Plus you'll get arrested, and there's no possibility that you will not be in every piece of media coast to coast. You will have to have plastic surgery to escape your notoriety. It is entirely possible that this one event will result in you never having sex again for your whole life. Except possibly while in jail. Plus, we're not even going to discuss exactly where you're sore, because I'm sure your imagination has already come up with the worst possible answer. This is pretty much as horrible as an event including only minor pain can get. Since I don't really drink, this one is unlikely, and I like to consider that a great relief.

You are in a horrible accident and end up blind and paralyzed: Well, that doesn't leave much of a life for you. I guess you can talk to people, but all you'll really have to say is "My life sucks. Please kill me." Conservatives all over the country will rally to defend the sanctity of your life, but will have no interest whatsoever in actually improving that life, which will be a black, depressing hell that drags on and on into what feels like eternity. The horrible accident was probably pretty painful too. Of course, it was totally your fault, you moron! Who does that kind of thing? Only you!

I was originally planning to rate these things, but really the ratings didn't make much sense. I think the vivisection would probably be the worst, but I don't know if it not happening necessarily brings me the most pleasure. The more intricate monkey scenario gives me more pleasure when I contemplate its non-occurrence, simply because it's a more entertaining scenario to imagine (for certain, possibly idiosyncratic, ideas of entertaining.) I couldn't decide how to rate them, so I haven't bothered. I'm presenting this purely as a public service. I hope it's made you feel better about your life.

After my discovery of "sesquipedalian" I'm in the mood to rate words... So here goes:

Circumloquatious: A excellent word. Many of the best words are long ones which employ long, soft syllables punctuated with a few sharper, harder sounds. The hard C and the Q in circumloquatious both serve this function, providing accents to the soft, tongue caressing flow of the rest of the words. The result is a word that's fun to say, and yet which manages to capture the meaning of the word perfectly reflected in its sound. 6/6.

Polysyllabic: It is a good thing that all words used to refer to long words are themselves long. If the word polysyllabic had only had one syllable, it would have been irritating. Of course, monosyllabic is just as long as polysyllabic. This is unfortunate, but on reflection, not so unfortunate that I care. Poly- is a good prefix, and syllabic manages to pack a lot fun of sounds into a very short time, making it an excellent word. Still, prefixes to my mind make a word seem cheap, like a pre-fabricated house. Even a relatively classy one still maintains that cookie cutter feel. Still, a good word. 5/6.

Stultiloquence: The natural consequence of sesquipedalian circumlocution is stultiloquence, which instantly endears me to this word. Like the other words, the sound of this word manages to recapitulate its meaning. Unfortunately, since it is a pejorative term, this is accomplished through an internal discord that is distasteful in itself, but somehow fitted to the rest of the word in a way which frames it more as art than as a true flaw. It's hard to be angry at stultiloquence for its flaws - it's just too damned adorable. 5/6.

I have unilaterally determined the word sesquipedalian to be the best word ever. It's gets a 100/5 rating for sheer awesomeness. Seriously, it's just great. The best thing about it, though, is that it is a word which can not be used critically (without hypocrisy.)

Well, it's been a while, so I'm going to post even though I'm devoid of good ideas. So, here's my reviews of colours:

Red: Red is a flexible colour - there is the kind of shiny, garish, incredibly unpleasant red you see in the decor at McDonalds. On the other hand there are the deeper, more vibrant reds that you see in a good low gloss paint job, or a sunset through air pollution. Now, my instinct is to say that red is a very good colour, and that McDonalds ruins everything it touches. The job they did on yellow, chairs, and burgers supports that theory, but still - red is easy to misuse, and that has to be counted against it. 4/6.

Green: Green is another strange colour. So many good things are green - trees, grass, vegetables, frogs, fruit. It's a great colour for kitchens and bathrooms, where glossy paint is required, and the way it colours the air in a thickly wooded area is great. On the other hand, it's the colour of bad meat, mould, gangrenous wounds... Not-so-good things. The upside is, it's easy to distinguish good and bad greens when they occur in nature. Unfortunately, all too many people forget this distinction when using greens in artificial settings. Your hair may be a very pleasant shade of green, but the light it is reflecting off your face all too often makes you look like a zombie. Pale people who dye their hair green join forces with bad meat to pull this score down. 5/6.

Blue: Blue is the best colour. Even the blues that represent danger have their own subtle, ethereal beauty. The depth and power of the blue that colours a cloudless sky at the height of summer is incomparable. It is capable of a life and vitality that rivals red, or a cool, serene aura that is every bit as soothing as green can manage.  The colour of sea and sky, blue inescapably stands for freedom in my mind. Not only is blue great on its own, but it goes well with other colours. Yep, when it comes to colour, blue is the colour of blueness. Yay blue! 6/6.

I'm here to rate things for you, so you don't have to. My heart is just that big.

Rock: Rock pretty much just sits there. I mean, unless you pick it up and throw it. You shouldn't do that if you live in a glass house, but I don't know anyone who lives in a glass house, so I guess that's not a major limitation. Actually, rock is pretty good for building houses out of, certainly much better than glass. Glass isn't good for throwing though, either. I guess what we've learned here is that rock is better than glass, but inferior to most other things, like kittens or steaks. 2/6.

Paper: Paper is able to defeat rock, something which sounds pretty impressive until you realize that it defeats rock by wrapping it up. Being cut or broken, that's being beaten. Being wrapped is just kind of inconvenient. Besides, who wraps rocks in paper anyway? The worlds worst secret Santa, maybe. Otherwise, I think you'll find that rock wrapping is pretty damned rare. Paper is also good for writing, painting, and drawing, which to my mind is far cooler than wrapping things. Maybe they should change it to "Paper contains a fan-fic where rock is inserted into a fury." Now that's a situation where everyone loses, but rock most of all (except possibly paper.) 4/6.

Scissors: Bane of paper, scissors live in far of only one thing - being smashed with a rock. Coincidentally, scorpions are also pretty scared of being smashed with a rock. Even people are, though the rocks are bigger. Unless the scissors are really big too. Human sized scissors are of less use than small ones, though, unless you have huge hands. Scissors are really a one trick pony, but it's a trick that grants them great power - the power to take one thing and make two things of it. Of course, the two things are just pieces of the first thing... Still, it's pretty amazing. Scissors are pretty decent overall. 4/6.

After the overwhelmingly positive imaginary response to my previous article about large animals, I've decided to do another such entry. This time, though, it's animals I wouldn't know existed if not for the internet.

The Glass Squid: He looks like a seahorse trapped in a bubble, with over-sized cartoon eyes. He bobs around in the ocean at depths that would crush you or me into thin pink paste. He's mostly see-through. I'm not even sure he's a he, which I guess shows I'm a sexist or some crap. Unless associating women with small transparent squid is sexist, whereupon I was right. It's hard to tell with women. In any case, the center of all this controversy is an essentially harmless creature which somehow continues to exist despite sharing its space with the viper fish, one of the nastiest looking creatures known to man. For accomplishing that feet, it deserves a 5/6.

Alpacas: Llamas are awesome creatures, but alpacas are miniature llamas with silkier wool and friendlier dispositions. How can you go wrong with material like that. It's hard to know what more to say about alpacas. They bleat, which is a relatively inoffensive animal sound. They caper (or at least, I imagine them capering.) They probably even gambol. They're huggably soft and cuter than any button I ever saw. Seriously, where are these amazingly cute buttons I keep hearing people compared to? Alpacas are just awesome - almost awesome enough for me to believe that aliens came to Earth and seeded it with Alpaca DNA so that they would one day evolve. 6/6!

Some lame giant shrew thing: This unattractive rodent looks like a giant shrew, only less cute than a giant shrew would be if it actually looked like a shrew, only bigger. Like, a brutish, malformed shrew of unusual size. Very unusual size, since it's as big as a large rabbit. Of course, it's not a real shrew anyway. It's a tiny relative of the ant-eater, or the tapir, or some crap. Maybe elephants. I don't remember - I didn't care enough for it to stick in my head. That kind of says it all about this creature. It's a shrew, only bigger and uglier and not really a shrew. Yay, what a fucking revolutionary discovery. 1/6.

Elephants - Not only are elephants big, they have long articulated noses with which they can pick things up. They have huge floppy ears. They appear in various parables from absurdist religions. There is a movie called The Amazing Elephant, but it should really be called The Extra Amazing Elephant, because all elephants are pretty amazing. Plus, they never forget. And they live a pretty long time, so they probably see a lot. Most of it is leaves and bugs, of course, but they have the ability to use their nose as a shower, and they sure remember doing a lot of that. I give elephants a 6/6.

Rhinos - Rhinos think they're dinosaurs, but really they're just hippos with horns. I hear they're actually quite pleasant and docile, but if you want people to believe you're pleasant and docile, growing a bloody huge horn on your nose isn't the way to accomplish it. It's counterproductive, in fact. Rhinos may be big, but they aren't actually synonymous with bigness the way elephants are. Rhinos try, but they just can't go the distance. 3/6.

Hippos - Given that I criticized rhinos as being just hippos with horns, you have to expect that hippos will do pretty poorly. And rightly so, since they're pretty lame creatures. True, they look like the fat friendly Santas of the animal kingdom, but apparently they're bad tempered and territorial, more likely to stomp you into the ground than eat your cookies, drink your milk, and leave you presents under a tree. Plus they wallow in mud, which is unsanitary. All in all, hippos are a big disappointment. 2/6.

Whales - Whales are the elephants of the sea. Like elephants, they have a built in shower. They don't have a prehensile nose, but they do eat through a sieve, and are big enough to walk around on. Having a whale of a time is apparently a good thing, so I have to assume that whales are prodigious partiers. What kind of party you can have underwater, I'm not sure, but whatever kind it is, whales clearly have them. Personally, I'd like to get a whale drunk, just to see what it was like. I'd also like to build a house on one's back. There's so many awesome, yet thoroughly impractical, things you could do with a whale. Definitely deserving of a 5/6.

If one thing is clear about the modern world, it's that we are far too dependent on planes and cars, hugely inefficient forms of transportation that are consuming huge amounts of resources and lowering our air quality. So, today I am going to consider some alternatives that might be adopted in their place.

Rickshaws
While not practical for long journeys, rickshaws have many advantages for intra-city transportation. They are close to zero emissions (the person pulling it breathes heavier, and thus produces a bit more CO2, but nothing like an automobile.) They would lower unemployment, and make our streets both safer and more picturesque. They would lower obesity levels, both because running a rickshaw is good exercise, and because fares would be based on body-weight, encouraging people to slim down and thus save money. Unlike cab drivers, rickshaw drivers will be happy to stop while you check out that store over there, or take in the view, because it gives him a chance to rest his legs and get his breath back. All in all, rickshaws would probably not find very wide acceptance, but they're cheap and require no training to operate, and would probably pull in a lot of tourists. 4/6.

Horses
Some people use horses, of course, but they do not constitute a major transportation system in today's world, and to my mind that's a shame. Cars require large areas of concrete or asphalt. Horses, by contrast, are best parked on grass. Which would you rather look at? Horses require fuel and maintenance, the same as a car, but they run on grass and grain, which are readily grown close to hand, rather than gasoline, which has to be extracted at great expense from deep inside the earth's crust. Horses can be ridden single occupancy, or used to pull carts, chariots, and coaches. They emit far less noxious exhaust, and what pollution they produce is readily cleaned up by a guy with a shovel. A horse can travel places a car can not. In short, horses are superior to cars in all respects but one - that of speed. Horses would certainly represent a substantial improvement over the way things are currently done. Yay horsies! 5/6.

Zeppelins
Now we're talking! The zeppelin is the single greatest transportation system every invented. Efficient, magnificent, surprisingly fast, and totally non-explosive as long as you use helium instead of hydrogen. The only reason we don't use zeppelins everywhere is that people unconsciously associate them with nazis. They're far superior to every other means of travel that has ever been conceived, including legs. Zeppelins can be as luxurious as a cruise ship, but are able to travel pretty much anywhere. If terrorists hijack one, and crash it into a building, the odds are pretty good that it will bounce off. It's possible for them to crash, but it's not like that never happens to planes. A zeppelin will never stall though. Plus, the word zeppelin is pretty awesome. Z's and P's are neat. 75/6!!!

Today I take on a variety of microorganisms, and assign them ratings.

Amoebas
Everybody knows amoebas - they're the poster children of the microorganic (my word!) world. And what's not to love about them? They're shape changing bags of goo that feed by engulfing their prey. I'll tell you what's not to love about them - dysentery, that's what. Okay, so sometimes bacteria cause dysentery, but still, amoeba are in there too, and nobody likes a microorganism that makes them eject their food from both ends. Hell, I'll go out on a limb and say that no-one likes ANYTHING that makes them spew any substance from both ends of their body. Still, amoebas are probably our distant ancestors, so we can't be too hard on them. 4/6.

Spirochetes
Nasty little buggers, who are responsible not for the relatively entertaining (as long as someone else has it) dysentery, but for syphilis (also Lyme's Disease and leptospirosis, whatever that is.) Now, syphilis may be responsible for some of Nietzsche's strangest work, so I guess spirochete's get some points for that, but all in all I have to come down on the boo side for them. They look like little twisted up earthworms, which is kind of lame, since earthworms already look like that. Apart from the Nietzsche connection, they only have two things going for them - a cool name, and the fact that cows need them to digest cellulose. I mean, that's not much of a list for six whole genii of creatures that have had since before multicellular lifeforms even existed to pad their resumes. I give them a 2/6.

Paramecia
Another big loser of the kingdom within, paramecia are primarily of interest for their cilia. Imagine if your hair could drag you around, and also carry food to your mouth. That would be pretty cool. Found primarily in pond scum, these guys are tiny hunters, who drift around in search of any organic material small enough to be picked up and pulled into their mouth by what is basically the whole body beard of a single cell. How does one cell rate a beard, but my multi-cellular chin can't support one. Not even the dumb hanging there doing nothing kind, let alone a super cool one that feeds me and provides locomotion. If I could walk on my beard, I'd be a happy man. Well, happy about my beard, anyways. 4/6.

Volvox
The communists of the single-celled society, volvox have the power to link together with one another, forming a single larger volvox. Once they're done, they split back up to reassert their individual identities. Well, as much identity as one can have without a brain, nervous system, etc. They're like Voltron! Can it just be a coincidence that the names are so similar? I think not. It's synchronicity , which is like coincidence only with a cooler name. My point is, what's not to love about volvox. They show us a better way. Imagine if any time you encountered a problem too large for you, just just merged with a bunch of your friends to form a larger, more capable aggregate entity. Wouldn't that be awesome. The answer, in case you're still thinking about it, is yes. Yes, it would. 6/6.

Viruses
Not even alive. How lame. 1/6.

Okay, here we are with the new format. Enjoy! Also, to discourage fence straddling, I'm rating words out of 6 instead of 5.
Circulatory
The circulatory system is pretty average, in my books. I mean, sure, it's essential to survival, but so are pretty much all of them, so that doesn't count for much. The best thing about the circulatory system is that it's responsible for the brief crimson fountain that erupts when someone's head is cut off. Horror movies just wouldn't be the same without the circulatory system. Otherwise, though, it's pretty boring. It's mostly all capilaries, which no one cares about. The veins and arteries are more interesting, if only because when one of them gets punctured you actually notice, but even then they pretty much repair themselves - the most you ever need to do is stick some gauze on it, and leave it alone. Really, this is a pretty uninspiring start. The heart is pretty much the only interesting bit, and everyone draws that completely the wrong shape. Also, the colour scheme is garish as hell. 3/6.

Nervous
The nervous system is pretty cool, in that it is responsible for our ability to interact with our environment. It's centered around the brain, which is a pretty neat organ if only for the totally counter-intuitive way it works. What I don't like about the nervous system is its name. Nervous is somewhere between apprehensive and scared - make up your mind already! Why would you name such a neat system with such a half assed, wishy washy word. I mean, why not name it after something awesome, like the tyranosaurus system? If it were called that, I'd have given it a 5/5 for sure. As it is, it gets a 4, and then only because I need it to type. 4/6.

Integumentary
Now we're talking. No crappy recycled words here, and integumentary is an awesome word, which I should probably have rated before I stopped doing that (it gets a 4/5.) Not only that, but unlike other systems, you wouldn't just be dead of vegetative without this one, you'd be pealed. That would kill you eventually, but first it would hurt like hell. Your integumentary system keeps you from screaming in pain every time you touch salt or alcohol, which is a big plus. Not only that, but it's designed for aesthetic appeal as well as functionality. I think we should probably phase out the word skin, in favor of integument. It would let everyone feel smart when they talked about it. 5/6.

Reproductive
The greatest system of all, despite its being superfluous in terms of personal survival. Who doesn't love their reproductive system. Hell, I have no desire whatsoever to reproduce, and despite that I love exercising my reproductive system. True, it's silly looking, but once you get past appearances and focus on how it feels, wow. Let's face it, if you lost your nervous system, well, you'd be oblivious. Lose your circulatory system and you're dead. Lose your reproductive system, and you just wish you were dead. Of course, the actual reproductive function is of trivial importance, but that's okay - it's like a beautiful case of serendipity. It should really be called the hedonic system, or something similar, since lets face it, reproducing sucks. Now, employing it without reproducing, that's what life is all about. 6/6.

Well, as is no doubt inevitable, I'm getting kind of bored of this, and it's cutting down on my posting. So, I'm changing format a little here. Now, instead of rating words on how cool they sound, I'm just going to rate stuff. Whatever I'm in the mood to rate at the time. I have all kinds of things I want to rate, and it seems a shame to start a new web page solely for that purpose.

Before I change formats, however, I'm going to respond to the one request I have received so far, with one last word rating. Then, later today, I will post again to rate something completely different. Keep your breath bated for that, but in the meanwhile, enjoy this last rating of some random word:

Pulpit (4/5)
I know, I know, it's a silly sounding word. At first glance, pulpit seems a sure thing for the 1/5 rating. But slow down for a second, and say the word. Hear the way those P's set your mouth up for that last, hard T. Saying pulpit is kind of like popping bubblewrap with your mouth (something that is much harder to do than you'd think.) P and T sounds are fun to make, and pulpit slams a lot into a small space. Yes, it's silly, but it's also fun, and fun is what I'm all about. Actually, that's not true - I'm also somewhat about silly. But hey, that just plays to pulpit's advantage. So, I'm finishing up with a 'little word that could.' In fact, in retrospect this is pretty obvious. Pit us a good word. Pull is an okay word. Combine them, and there's synergy. Pulpit would get a 5/5 if it weren't so dumb when someone else says it. But damnit, when you're the one saying it, it's fun!

Addendum - Yes, I'm aware that someone used to do this. I can't remember what the page was, though, and it was a long long time ago. Anyway, I don't care even if other people are performing this service right now. My ratings are definitive. Everyone else's ratings are just distant approximations of the platonic perfection that is mine.

Mastadon (3/5)
Sounds kind of like Master Don, which I have to assume is either a redneck ninja of some sort or a kind of super-mafia boss. Either way makes it pretty cool, until you realize that no, it's really just a hairy elephant. Hairy versions of traditionally non-hairy creatures are not an improvement. The mast- part of it also makes me think of boobies, which I like a lot, so as long as I can keep them from being hairy elephant boobies, it's a good deal. Still, the thought of hairy elephant boobies is enough to knock a few years off a guy's life, if it occurs at the wrong time. All in all, a pretty mixed bag here, and so it gets a fence-sitting score.

Pteradon (4/5)
See, this one sounds a bit like terror don. That's definitely the mafia side of things, but it's still pretty cool - until you compare it to an enormous flying bat/lizard/bird thing that could probably crush your skull in its mighty jaws and then pick up your car and throw you in the river. Well, it couldn't, but the name sounds like the name of something that could, and sometimes that kind of thing is more important than boring old reality. Not often, mind, but dealing with prehistoric animals might well be one of those times, as long as they don't actually turn out to still exist, whereupon knowing their capabilities might be important. So, in that situation, this word might let us down. That's why it only gets a 4.

Plesiosaur (4/5)
Another creature with a nice name, but this one sounds like a super-recliner or something. "It's more than pleasant, it's plesiosaurus!" I mean, okay, it doesn't make much sense, but since when do ads have to? Anyway, good word, but then I think all dinosaur names are pretty cool. It's like people subconsciously understood how awesome they were even before they were discovered, and saved them some awesome words. True, there's some weird ones, like the compsognathusaurus, or whatever it's called, but the vast majority are names that inspire one with a feeling that whatever the name refers to, it must be cool. Anyways, I would like to be able to relax on a plesiosaur, because it sounds so nice. In real life, I'm sure it would be damp and scaly, but I don't have to live it - only imagine it.

Arrr, me matey... Today we be talkin' about pirates. Well, actually words related to pirates. Not the pirates themselves, because that might accidentally stray over the line into being considered content.

Scallywag (5/5)
I don't even know if I spelled the word right, but I know a good word when I hear one, and that is a good word. An excellent word, even. It uses the vowel sandwich, a potent three syllable technique where the first and last syllable of a word use the same vowel, while the middle syllable uses a different one. Always very effective. The wide variety of consonants further enhances the word, making each syllable a unique experience. It's like a three course dinner of wonderful sounds. 'Sca', so strong and firm. 'Li' (ly?) is softer, gentler, kind of like one of those cute girls with glasses who never seem to talk to anyone. 'Wag', a fun, upbeat ending that pulls the rug out from under the others feet and turns the whole word into a joke.

Scurvy (3/5)
Scurvy is a word that grows on you, kind of an acquired taste. Like smoking or sushi, except it doesn't kill you or contain mercury. The great thing about scurvy is that it can be a cute, fun word or a strong, commanding one, depending on how you say it. The downside is, it doesn't really do either of those things very well. Sure, it's cute, but it's no mulato. Sure, it can be harsh, but it's no puck, and never will be. Scurvy is a word that tries to do everything, and succeeds, but only barely. It's like having a choice between two mediocre meals or one great one. The only way you'll take the first choice is if you know there's no other meals coming along for a while.

Grog (4/5)
The alternative to scurvy, and a stronger word overall. Grog isn't an amazing word, but it does the job. It sounds cheap and unpleasant, but with a pleasing gutteral quality that can manages to slip through under your radar. Even while you're thinking "that sounds like a word toads would use" your lips are curving up into a smile at the absurdity of a word being so silly and trying to sound so gravelly and intense. It's like the guy playing bad cop is wearing nose glasses and a purple wig in that froofy 80's rock band style. Grog is the word that craps on your kitchen floor, but acts so guilty you end up feeling sorry for it even as your cleaning its excrement off your once pristine linoleum.

Well, I know when I've hit an image I need to end on, so you can go enjoy that one for a while, and I'll be back soon for a special exclusive look at swear words!

An English teacher I had once told us that there were three words he hated above all others, and that he would mark down any work in which they were heavily used, because they were a mark of laziness and poor vocabulary. In back handed tribute, I present those three words today:

Got (2/5)
So far I have to agree. The only way the word 'got' is any good is if you say it in a German accent. Even then, it's too short to really enjoy - by the time you're getting into the word, it's over. You need to add another word as a lead-in or tail, and it needs to be German sounding too. It's really a lot of work to go through when there are so many better words out there just waiting to be enjoyed, and tragically underused. Got is below average, but it's not truly worthless, so let's move on.

Get (1/5)
I know, I know, it's basically the same word as 'got'. The difference is that it doesn't work in a German accent. Talk about lame. Why even bother saying 'get'? Over all, I'd say you're better off cutting a second or two off the time it takes to say the word. Unless, of course, your goal is to communicate information rather than to showcase the aesthetics of a sentence. Of course, if that's the case, you're really looking at the wrong page. We're all about aesthetics here. 'We' being me. So, not really we. Damnit, I'm gabbering aimlessly. I blame the word 'get.

Nice (2/5)
The best of the three, the word nice is only mostly crap, not completely crap. I mean, it's boring, but only in a low level, acceptable way. It's not aggressively boring. It's like a low speed collision with a tree, as opposed to a multi-vehicle pileup with explosions throwing body parts through the air, and fountains of blood. In a way, it's almost worse, because at least the other way there's some spectacle. Here there's just a lot of bills and a steering wheel that never quite lines up right again. Anyways, my point is, say 'nice'. Not much fun, is it?

Well, I guess my old English teacher knew what he was talking about, 'cause those were some crap words. Next week, pirate themed words. Yay!

Sausage (5/5)
Awesome. Simply awesome. Whoever came up with the idea of sausage had some frankly rather weird and revolting ideas in the culinary field (not that it didn't work out in the end, but who even thinks of grinding an animal up and stuffing it in its own intestines?) Anyways, he makes up for it all with his nameological prowess. It's a soss- and an -idge, each pretty fun by itself. Together they form an awesome synergy. Sausage sausage sausage... It's one of those words whose meaning fades almost instantly into the background, replaced by the sheer joy of the word itself. Not that real sausages aren't great too, but sausages are sausages - the word sausage is some kind of night platonic image of a cool word.

Grub (1/5)
I don't know what exactly it is, but I really don't like the word grub. It's icky. I think it might be the fact that it's a word for baby insects, but was also used as a slang term for food. It made me want to thrust a handful of maggots into the person's mouth and shout "EAT!" when people used it that way. -ub is a pretty solid ending, but somehow grub manages to ruin it. The word is spat rather than spoken - it dribbles across your tongue like a shot of raw sewerage. Ick. Grub. Hate that word.

Pangolin (4/5)
I can't even remember what a pangolin looks like, though I have a sneaking suspicion that baby ones are cute. The word, though, is pretty cool. It's hard to make long words hang together well. P is a fair start, but in no way exceptional. Using so many distinct vowels is a daring move that many words couldn't carry off. The NG in the middle is another unorthodox choice that at first glance seems like it should be clumsy and unwieldy. Put it all together, though, and you have a truly great word.

As an added bonus, I'm going to save you the trouble of looking pangolins if you don't know what they look like. Part snake, part pinecone, all quadraped, it's Mr Pangolin: http://images.postingandtoasting.com/images/admin/pangolin.jpg