I like to be positive and upbeat, and one of the ways in which I accomplish this is to focus on all the really awful things that aren't happening to me, awful experiences that I am unlikely to suffer through. Because I'm a wonderful person, I'm going to share these things with you, to help you appreciate how truly blessed you are. True, You're probably never going to walk on the moon, or sleep with Jessica Alba, or own a private island, but at least it's equally unlikely that:
Your parents die horribly, because you masturbate: Well, you just had to touch your peepee, and now look what you did. That was a horrible, painful death they suffered, and it was all your fault, tosser! How can you stand to look in the mirror? What sort of sad, pathetic excuse for a human being are you? How could you do that to your poor, long suffering parents? Seriously, this isn't the most painful or humiliating event I can conceive of, but it's pretty awful none the less. You lose your parents, its your fault they're gone, and you've probably ruined masturbation for yourself too. Way to go, loser!
You are abducted by hideous, terrifying aliens, who vivisect you over the course of months, while keeping you fully conscious: Ouch. Yeah, vivisection would suck enough without making it a long, slow process. Not only would it be agonizingly painful, but imagine having to watch it happen! To see every slow, deliberate motion as it happens, to watch your flesh and organs carved slowly away while you're completely helpless to do anything but scream and suffer. Scream, of course, with your head in a sound proof glass bubble that causes the screams to echo endlessly in your ears. Yeah, they're really not very nice aliens.
You are eaten alive by a huge swarm of amoebas: Munching away at you cell by cell, while you lie there helpless. The amoebas eat and then divide, growing in numbers even as your flesh begins to liquefy. At first it only itches, but then the amoebas reach your nerve endings, and it's like liquid fire flowing over your body. The pain goes on and on as your body is devoured, as they eat their way up the nerves, sucking the marrow from your bones, drinking up your blood, your vision fading as the pain expands to fill your entire existence, and finally, the cold mercy of death. It's a horrible thought, so it's pretty good to know it isn't likely to happen to me.
You get drunk, black out, and wake up in a monkey cage, naked and sore, covered in semen and surrounded by pointing children and outraged parents: Well, first of all, gross. And humiliating. And potentially dangerous, since the monkeys are probably still around. Plus you'll get arrested, and there's no possibility that you will not be in every piece of media coast to coast. You will have to have plastic surgery to escape your notoriety. It is entirely possible that this one event will result in you never having sex again for your whole life. Except possibly while in jail. Plus, we're not even going to discuss exactly where you're sore, because I'm sure your imagination has already come up with the worst possible answer. This is pretty much as horrible as an event including only minor pain can get. Since I don't really drink, this one is unlikely, and I like to consider that a great relief.
You are in a horrible accident and end up blind and paralyzed: Well, that doesn't leave much of a life for you. I guess you can talk to people, but all you'll really have to say is "My life sucks. Please kill me." Conservatives all over the country will rally to defend the sanctity of your life, but will have no interest whatsoever in actually improving that life, which will be a black, depressing hell that drags on and on into what feels like eternity. The horrible accident was probably pretty painful too. Of course, it was totally your fault, you moron! Who does that kind of thing? Only you!
I was originally planning to rate these things, but really the ratings didn't make much sense. I think the vivisection would probably be the worst, but I don't know if it not happening necessarily brings me the most pleasure. The more intricate monkey scenario gives me more pleasure when I contemplate its non-occurrence, simply because it's a more entertaining scenario to imagine (for certain, possibly idiosyncratic, ideas of entertaining.) I couldn't decide how to rate them, so I haven't bothered. I'm presenting this purely as a public service. I hope it's made you feel better about your life.
Your parents die horribly, because you masturbate: Well, you just had to touch your peepee, and now look what you did. That was a horrible, painful death they suffered, and it was all your fault, tosser! How can you stand to look in the mirror? What sort of sad, pathetic excuse for a human being are you? How could you do that to your poor, long suffering parents? Seriously, this isn't the most painful or humiliating event I can conceive of, but it's pretty awful none the less. You lose your parents, its your fault they're gone, and you've probably ruined masturbation for yourself too. Way to go, loser!
You are abducted by hideous, terrifying aliens, who vivisect you over the course of months, while keeping you fully conscious: Ouch. Yeah, vivisection would suck enough without making it a long, slow process. Not only would it be agonizingly painful, but imagine having to watch it happen! To see every slow, deliberate motion as it happens, to watch your flesh and organs carved slowly away while you're completely helpless to do anything but scream and suffer. Scream, of course, with your head in a sound proof glass bubble that causes the screams to echo endlessly in your ears. Yeah, they're really not very nice aliens.
You are eaten alive by a huge swarm of amoebas: Munching away at you cell by cell, while you lie there helpless. The amoebas eat and then divide, growing in numbers even as your flesh begins to liquefy. At first it only itches, but then the amoebas reach your nerve endings, and it's like liquid fire flowing over your body. The pain goes on and on as your body is devoured, as they eat their way up the nerves, sucking the marrow from your bones, drinking up your blood, your vision fading as the pain expands to fill your entire existence, and finally, the cold mercy of death. It's a horrible thought, so it's pretty good to know it isn't likely to happen to me.
You get drunk, black out, and wake up in a monkey cage, naked and sore, covered in semen and surrounded by pointing children and outraged parents: Well, first of all, gross. And humiliating. And potentially dangerous, since the monkeys are probably still around. Plus you'll get arrested, and there's no possibility that you will not be in every piece of media coast to coast. You will have to have plastic surgery to escape your notoriety. It is entirely possible that this one event will result in you never having sex again for your whole life. Except possibly while in jail. Plus, we're not even going to discuss exactly where you're sore, because I'm sure your imagination has already come up with the worst possible answer. This is pretty much as horrible as an event including only minor pain can get. Since I don't really drink, this one is unlikely, and I like to consider that a great relief.
You are in a horrible accident and end up blind and paralyzed: Well, that doesn't leave much of a life for you. I guess you can talk to people, but all you'll really have to say is "My life sucks. Please kill me." Conservatives all over the country will rally to defend the sanctity of your life, but will have no interest whatsoever in actually improving that life, which will be a black, depressing hell that drags on and on into what feels like eternity. The horrible accident was probably pretty painful too. Of course, it was totally your fault, you moron! Who does that kind of thing? Only you!
I was originally planning to rate these things, but really the ratings didn't make much sense. I think the vivisection would probably be the worst, but I don't know if it not happening necessarily brings me the most pleasure. The more intricate monkey scenario gives me more pleasure when I contemplate its non-occurrence, simply because it's a more entertaining scenario to imagine (for certain, possibly idiosyncratic, ideas of entertaining.) I couldn't decide how to rate them, so I haven't bothered. I'm presenting this purely as a public service. I hope it's made you feel better about your life.
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